Five things I learned from my conservative family members over the holiday break.

Despite my wife’s fervent request that I not mention Donald Trump during our family Christmas dinner back in Indiana, politics did indeed come up as I talked to my cousins, aunts, uncles, and parents. It’s fair to say they’re strongly conservative—Fox News-watching, Republican-voting, Tea Party-sympathetic Americans who have always considered my pro-gun-control, pro-ACA stances to be outrageously liberal.

But even though we live in partisan, contentious times, our Christmas dinner conversation proved that people who see the world very differently can still have a civil, even productive, discussion about politics. Your mileage may vary, of course. But here’s a short list of my takeaways from the conversation:

#5. Donald Trump is not that popular with lifelong conservatives.
Trump draws rabid crowds, dominates the cable new networks, and is the point man for a certain type of Republican voter. But my conservative relatives ranged from distrustful to disdainful of the former reality-TV star. “I just worry that he’ll fly off the handle,” one family member said. The brash, mercurial nature of Trump may be working against him with these older voters. It’s likely that my conservative focus group agrees with him on many issues. But they just don’t trust his temperament, or the commitment of what they see as a fair-weather conservative. On the other hand, they pointed out that many people they know are angry—even more so than usual—with our political system, so the allure of an outsider campaign is strong in conservative areas.

#4. The polls don’t lie: even fans of the NRA support expanded background checks.
You probably could not find a group of people more committed to the sanctity of the 2nd Amendment than those gathered at my parents’ dinner table. They absolutely believe in a constitutional right to bear arms, and they lean toward the notion that what we need is more guns, not fewer, to solve our problems with crime and gun violence. But after hashing through many, though certainly not all, of the talking points in the gun control debate, most of the conservatives at the table grudgingly conceded that something should be done. They generally agreed that closing the gun show loophole, and creating a more consistent system of screening for criminals, terrorists, and those with severe mental illness is something they could, in theory, support. Hey, I’ll take what I can get.

#3. The issue of mental illness could be an area of common ground
The discussion did take a turn I didn’t expect—the conservatives at the table seemed to strongly support addressing mental health issues as a way to respond to the gun violence epidemic. Now, I know the problems with this line of thought—because it’s simply wrong to assume that people with mental health issues are more dangerous than others. Mental health is a spectrum, nearly all of us will have issues at some point, and people with mental health illness issues are much more likely to be victims of gun violence, rather than the cause of it.

But instead of rejecting this topic as a red herring, maybe we should be seeing it as an opportunity to find common ground. There is a severe shortage of mental health providers in this country, and there are still too many insurers and employers who are not putting enough emphasis on treating and preventing mental illness. A national consensus on the importance of improving mental health diagnoses, treatment, and prevention would be a huge win for everyone. And if nothing else, it would help reduce the very high rate of suicide-by-gun in the U.S.

#2. There are still (plenty) of areas of disagreement.
There were, of course, a number of topics where little common ground could be found. Climate change is still dismissed as a serious problem—although the attitude has shifted in recent years. Instead of outright denial of the science of climate change, I heard more thoughts along the lines of, “it’s too expensive to fix,” or, “we’ve had climate change before and survived it.” I suspect this is roughly similar to going from denial to bargaining in the grieving process.

Another point of disagreement was regarding political correctness, of which my relatives often say (agreeing with Donald Trump) that it’s “ruining America.”

“How?” I asked. “You’re speaking your mind, I’m speaking my mind, and it’s for sure that Donald Trump says whatever he wants. So why are we so concerned that politically correct speech is damaging the country?” I didn’t get an answer that made much sense to me.

#1 We can actually talk about these things.
Arguing about politics on Facebook has become such a cliché that there are Facebook memes about arguing politics on Facebook. Many of us get frustrated with it, or angry. Some have dropped friends, or stopped talking about politics altogether. Everyone has the right to make that decision for themselves. But my conversation with my relatives reminded me that the rules for face-to-face discussion and debate are too often forgotten in online exchanges. And they shouldn’t be.

Be polite and respectful. Listen to the other person. Give them the benefit of the doubt; don’t assume that they’re ignorant or ill-intentioned. Treat them as you’d like to be treated. Use a little humor to lighten the mood. When the conversation hits a wall, be willing to agree to disagree.

At our Christmas dinner, when I expressed relief that we were able to discuss politics without getting into a heated argument, one family member said, “Well, you should hear what we say when you’re not around.” But all kidding aside, productive political debate does require us to be considerate of the other side and curb our more passionate (or extreme) impulses. That’s part of being civilized. And it’s the only way that we as a nation are going to move forward—this year or any.